To Flirt with Failure

I am constantly making plans, contingency plans, and contingency plans for my contingency plans, yet no matter how much energy I use to control life—life unfolds outside of my grasp.  Life has the tendency to blindside me when I become too wrapped up in my feeble plans, and the jolt reminds me how little I truly control.

In September I was blindsided, literally blindsided.  On my drive home from school a man ran a traffic light and collided into the driver side of my compact car, knocking me unconscious.  In a brightly lit room I gained consciousness, and the doctors told me I was in an accident, and I had a small amount of bleeding in my brain.  The speech pathologist recommended that I not read, watch TV, or use a computer; so I spent my time simply thinking.  For more than two weeks, I remained trapped at home thinking about school and my future.

I had to see this unpredicted event as a forced pause in life.  For as long as I can remember, I have strategically moved forward with one of my many ambitions, but my ambitions shattered in the same moment my driver side window disintegrated into a blanket of shards.  For the first time since childhood, all of my pursuits and dreams faded into the periphery of my mind.  At first, I scrambled to retrieve my scattered ambitions, and with shear determination I attempted to fit all of the pieces back into the same neatly organized configuration.  I just wanted life to return to normal, but I soon realized that something had changed.

I had received a new perspective and fresh start.  For reasons I can’t fully articulate, I have decided to change my current trajectory and pursue a few ambitions that I had previously labeled as too risky.  In my endless pursuit to control life, I used to neglect any idea that flirted with failure.  The next season in my life is all about cultivating the ambitions that I once neglected.  This season may end swiftly with a bruised ego, but it could also lead to a healthier life.  I am embarking on an uncharted course that could lead me back into the familiar fold of architecture and graduate school, but first I must see life beyond my safe and calculated plans.